Dear America: An Open Letter from Jesus Christ
Hi there. Son of God here. Holiest of holies. Alpha and Omega. You know the rest.
Anyhoo, I thought I’d drop a quick note to all the people in the United States. Since I am not American, I can’t vote in the upcoming election. Which is a BUMMER. Seems like everyone and their uncle is voting this year. That’s a good thing. Civic engagement is godly. My Pops didn’t give you free will to waste it. But some of you have been getting a little carried away with things, especially when it comes to me.
Imagine my surprise four years ago when I hear that the majority of my followers are supporting a guy who doesn’t seem to have any idea who I am or what I stand for. I mean, he says the Bible is his favorite book but he can’t name a single passage he likes? That’s crazy. Even I can tell he’s lying. He even manages to sneak in a plug for his own book!
Speaking of lying, that’s all this guy seems to do. He’s a prolific liar. He is to lying what I am to walking on water. This is indisputable. The man lies as easily as you breathe. And you know how much my dad dislikes liars. Proverbs has the whole list of what really gets his ire up:
There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.
If that isn’t a perfect description of Donald then I don’t know what is. He’s got the haughty (arrogant) eyes. He lies. He makes wicked plans and covers up for liars. And he LOVES to sow discord. But— my dad works in mysterious ways. He had my best friend Judas betray me but that worked out alright in the long run. I mean, not for Judas. He killed himself. And I was tortured and killed. But focus on the big picture. That’s what dad says anyway. Maybe this Trump guy is an imperfect instrument.
Imperfect might be an understatement. You’ll remember in my famous “Sermon on the Mount” that I said something along these lines:
You have heard that it was said, “Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
Pretty good stuff, no? Can you imagine Donald agreeing with any of that? Well, he does like the eye for an eye bit, even if he completely misses the point of it. And he does have a charity. Except it’s banned from doing business in New York state and recently had to pay a fine because he misused it to pay off debts. Yikes.
Donald is supposedly a “rich guy”. That’s because he’s got a lot of “money”. He isn’t either of those things in reality and y’all know my thoughts on rich people, right? I’ll remind you:
Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.
I’m a big fan of underdogs. I like the poor, the lame, the blind. All of the dregs that society has tossed away like trash. Not Donald. No, he prefers the rich. He’s even said that only rich people should be in charge. Here he is in 2017:
Yuck. Lately, he’s been trying to take credit for “saving Christianity”. Ummm, I already did that, Chief. I am literally THE SAVIOR. It doesn’t need any help. Christmas is fine. It’s my birthday, after all, and I assure you that I do not care if the kid working at Starbucks says ‘Merry Christmas’ or not. I’m Mr. Inclusive, for goodness sake. Everyone should feel happy and comfortable on my birthday. Don’t forget, I’m a Jew. Do you think human-daddy Joseph is putting up a tree in our house? Nope. Just blue and white lights for us. Maybe a menorah. So let’s all settle down on the War on Christmas.
Do you remember the time that I hung with a Samaritan lady by the well? Everyone was all “oh Jesus, Jews and Gentiles don’t mix. What have you done?” Nonsense. We had a lovely conversation and learned a little from each other. It doesn’t matter where you come from or what you look like. What matters is what’s inside your heart. That’s all I really care about. I hung out with sinners. Prostitutes. Lepers. And yes, even non-Jews. Donald banned Muslims and proudly called it a “Muslim Ban”. Trump wouldn’t be caught dead with any of these people (except the non-Jews, he seems to be a very big fan of them). When was the last time he spoke about forgiveness? That’s a pretty major thing in my dad’s whole scheme of the world. And yet, Donald hasn’t ever asked him for forgiveness. I don’t say this because I have access to the Official Book of Sins and Forgiveness (I do) but because Donald has said it himself!
Not when he cheated on his wives. Not when he palled around with a sex trafficker (he actually wished her well). Not when he forced himself onto dozens of women. Not when he cheated workers out of their fairly earned pay. He owned casinos for goodness sake. He prayed upon addicts to make money. He hasn’t sought forgiveness for anything, least of all his diabolical lying.
We are all sinners. Well, you are. I’m only half-human so I’m only half a sinner. Seriously though, I am having a really hard time making sense of how people who literally worship the “love thy neighbor” guy (me) can support a person who has a statue in Hell. I’ve seen it. It’s as bad as you’d imagine. They got the woman who did the Ronaldo statue to do it.
The question Americans who follow my teachings must ask themselves is this: what makes a Christian, a Christian? Heady stuff, I know, but I think it’s important to think about it. A Christian has compassion. They are empathetic. They seek forgiveness and admit their faults. They want to be humble. They love their fellow man and help those less fortunate. They treat other people like they want to be treated. They are generous in wealth and spirit. They strive to remain free of judgment (that role also being occupied). They believe in the power of service— both to my father and their fellow man. They speak truth to power. Let’s not forget why I ended up dead. I challenged an establishment that largely benefited the wealthy and gave a voice to the voiceless. If you think I wouldn’t be in the first row of BLM protestors, you don’t know me. Being a Black man myself, how could I sit by the wayside? If I can toss moneychangers out the club, I certainly won’t be quiet about other forms of injustice.
Trump and his father, on the other hand, deliberately kept Black people out of their buildings by screening their applications. Anyone who was Black had a “C” put on it (C = colored) so it could be denied. If my family tried to live in one of his buildings, he would have rejected us. They eventually got in trouble for it. Trump in the ’80s called for five innocent teens to be executed and called them savages. He wanted his reality TV show to have a season where Black and whites competed against each other. He praised white supremacists. He called African countries “shitholes” and said people should go back to their huts. I could go on and on. You know what he is. You’ve heard him speak. Does he seem godly to you? Does he seem like a Christian to you?
I’m not sure how Americans got my message so twisted up. Greed used to be a sin but Americans have made it a virtue, where if you aren’t trying to squeeze every last buck from people you’re a sucker. I preached tolerance and understanding of your fellow man’s plight. Here, you shun and mock destitute people, offer them no assistance, and then blame them for your failings. I spoke about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. Trump… has other ideas:
“Get even with people. If they screw you, screw them back 10 times as hard. I really believe it.”
“One of the things you should do in terms of success: If somebody hits you, you’ve got to hit ’em back five times harder than they ever thought possible. You’ve got to get even. Get even. And the reason, the reason you do, is so important…The reason you do, you have to do it, because if they do that to you, you have to leave a telltale sign that they just can’t take advantage of you. It’s not so much for the person, which does make you feel good, to be honest with you, I’ve done it many times. But other people watch and you know they say, ‘Well, let’s leave Trump alone,’ or ‘Let’s leave this one,’ or ‘Doris, let’s leave her alone. They fight too hard.’ I say it, and it’s so important. You have to, you have to hit back. You have to hit back.”
Does any of this sound like something I would advocate for? He admits to ENJOYING hurting other people! Does any of this sound Christian? It is my dad’s job to decide who gets what’s coming to them. Not mine, not yours, not Donald’s. And don’t get me started on the way he talks about women.
None of this is Christian. None of it is good. And listen, if your argument is “well, the other side is worse” then you need a reality check. For all their faults (and there are so so many) progressive people want to help others. They want to fix the Earth, the garden my father charged you all with tending and keeping nice. They want to make sure people can get medical care. You know who gave out lots of free medical care? Me! You know who said to feed the poor? Me! You know who said to bear your brother’s burden? Me! I was one of the first liberal progressives. And now I would be chased out of a MAGA rally within minutes by so-called Christians.
You have lost your way, America. Go read your Bibles. Especially the parts that feature me. Seek out the holy spirit and reflect on my teachings. Do this before you vote. Do this before it is too late. Trump is not a savior. He’s a conman in a cheap, ill-fitting suit who wants to take you for a ride. He can only win if you let him. I believe in the goodness of mankind, in the tenderness of mercy. I believe that the “fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.”
Please vote responsibly next week.
Amen.