A Christmas Compromise
I love Christmas. It’s my favorite thing in the world. I love the decorations. I love the gift-giving. I love snow and Hallmark movies and colorful lights. I love Santa and his sweatshop of elves and good ol’ missus Claus fattening him up. I love Christmas so much I even watch Christmas in July on QVC because I need my midyear fix of decorations and swag. And yet — every goddamned year — I have to suffer through another season of THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS, a delusional fantasy white people came up with to play the victim once more. The last few years have been particularly rough, with controversies about cups, greetings, public displays… on and on it goes. An aggrieved white person can complain about anything. So this year, I would like to propose a solution for this nonsense, a Christmas Compromise, if you will.
The hallmark of a good compromise is that both sides feel that they didn’t get what they want. This will require a little bit of bending from some people. But, and I think you’ll agree, in the long run, it will have worth it. My plan is simple yet involves a bit of perspective shifting. Here it is: Christmas is now a 100% secular holiday, no different than Memorial Day or July 4th. No longer does Christmas mark the birth of Christ. He isn’t even going to be mentioned. Got it? No Jesus on Christmas!
“But Matt,” you’re saying, “isn’t he the literal REASON FOR THE SEASON? It’s right there in the name: CHRISTmas. You can’t take him out.”
No? Haven’t we pretty much done that already? I’m not sure how buying a Lexus for someone is related to the birth of Jesus. The overwhelming majority of Christmas traditions don’t have anything to do with Jesus. Not the tree. Not the date. Not Santa and his elves and reindeer. Certainly none of the commercialization. Outside of a poorly-attended church service, there ain’t much to do with Jesus. I can attest that when I was opening my Nintendo Entertainment System Jesus never came into my mind. Mario did. Duck Hunt did. But Jesus? He was the reason I was always filled with dread on Christmas, knowing that there was an hour-long boring church service that would be coming at some point. Penance for the NES I suppose.
For starters, ALL HOLIDAYS ARE MADE UP. They can be whatever we want them to be. There is no official book that authorizes the correct holidays. I know some people think that book is the Bible, but until you start following ALL the ridiculous rules laid out in there, shut the fuck up about the ones that are convenient for your argument. The Bible is a bunch of made-up stuff too. So are all the other “holy” books. It’s just men writing stuff down. That’s it. So let’s not act like someone is going to die.
Jesus wasn’t even born in December, most likely, if he lived at all. That date was chosen because of a complicated calendar thing that happened. I won’t explain it here because it’s boring. But go read it if you want. Jesus was a Jew so I don’t think he celebrated Christmas either. It just so happened that this new date lines up nicely with the Winter Solstice. And guess who happened to be trying to convert a bunch of pagan heathens who loved the solstice? That’s right: Christians. That’s where we get the tree from and the lights from and the cozy fires and greenery.
It wasn’t even a big deal to Christians until the 11th century. The Puritans banned it. Across Europe, it sort of fell out of favor for a time. It was celebrated, of course, but not like I had been or is today. And then Chucky Dick (Charles Dickens to the uninitiated) and other writers began using the Christmastime in their works to portray it in a different light. See, before this time, Christmas a FUCKING PARTY. But then the uptight Brits (as they are want to do) began focusing on religion and gift-giving, turning away from the Bacchanalian celebrations of years before. Pretty much how we picture Christmas nowadays.
As you can see, Christmas has only ever had one constant throughout its history: change. It has been altered and adapted to fit whatever the particular circumstances of the moment demand. What’s one more little change if it keeps the peace? Jesus was a chill dude. He would understand. I tell you what. If Jesus has a problem with it, he can say so.
Christianity will always be associated with Christmas, of course, but my hope is that we can slowly peel the religious aspects of it away over time. Much like how Christians have stripped and changed the rituals they borrowed to celebrate. Another example: gift-giving. You may think that has to do with the Magi (the three wise men) bringing Jesus gifts. But really, it likely comes from the Roman celebration of Saturnalia. Like the solstice, it also happens to occur in December (ending 12/23) and Pope Julius thought to celebrate Christmas would be a fitting end to the festivities. Again, just men in power making shit up.
I assume we all know that Santa isn’t real, right? Like, you aren’t one of those people who think Santa can only be white because he’s very loosely based on a German dude? If we can accept and agree that Santa is fictional and imaginary, then we can make him into whatever we want. Just as we have all along. Do you think the first version of Santa lived at the North Pole with elves and flying reindeer and drank Coca-Cola exclusively? lolz. He’s been an evolutionary figure, changing with the times. Much like the holiday he is best known for. If he can change, so can we.
Here’s what we get from the compromise.
Towns and cities can once more set up lights and trees and decorations since they are all secular now. But no Jesus.
You can say Merry Christmas without it being political.
Everyone can celebrate it now if they want to.
Companies will no longer have to decide if they want to alienate customers by either leaning too heavily into one holiday over another.
We finally admit the reality of the situation and acknowledge that most people don’t give a shit about Jesus and all they want is the other stuff. Trees, lights, presents, etc.
You can still do your own religious thing, like when disgraced felon Mike Flynn made all his guests pledge allegiance to Q-ANON on the 4th of July. (Real thing). Go nuts. But keep Jesus out of the public stuff. Again, I don’t think he’ll mind if it brings us a little peace on his birthday.
Listen, one of the unfortunate things about coexisting with other people, frankly, is other people. They’re so annoying with their own thoughts and needs and wants. But since we need to propagate the species, we have to find a way to get along. And lord knows I’ve had enough of the fighting over Christmas. Christians, you haven’t been persecuted in America EVER. Relax. There are other people in the world who might not like Jesus shoved down their throats (or other places if you’re Catholic). And liberals, lighten up on the Christmas stuff. 99% of it is secular anyways. You don’t need to say happy holidays or whatever to someone wishing you well. How fucked up are as a country where someone exchanging a pleasant greeting is seen as aggression? Are there some aggressive Christians who act like morons? Yes. But there are libs who do the same. Everyone needs to chill the fuck out.
Take it from here Clark…