Dog Park Dummies

In theory, I should love going to the dog park. It’s outside. There’s dogs. Fresh air. It’s pretty much a peaceful walk in the woods. Especially the one we go to. It’s a big fenced off area with hills and trees and multiple pathways. It feels great to be there. And yet I hate going. I dread it. It’s arguably one of the worst parts of owning a dog. Why?

No, this isn’t a post about the two dummies that I occasionally bring to the park. It’s about the people who ruin it for me. HUMANS.

To understand where this all begins, we have to go back roughly 14 years to our first dog, Lola. She has been lionized since passing but she was not always a willing listener, especially early in our time together. One of the first times we brought her to the dog park there was a couple there with their big dumb family dog and child. The kid was maybe 3-4 years old. And of course, the kid was excited to be there.

She was screaming, jumping up and down. And when Lola caught sight of her, she must have thought “hmm, this strange-looking dog seems to be having a good time. I will join her.” Lola jumped on the kid, knocked her to the ground, and tried to engage her in play. The parents, understandably, were a little freaked out. So was the kid. I felt horrible. It looked like my dog was attacking and mauling their kid. She wasn’t, of course. There was some exchange of words, I don’t recall what, but it was enough that I felt a total loss of control. I now hated the dog park.

So that’s where it all starts with me. And to make matters worse, whenever I start to get anxious at the park, the dogs can sense it and start to get a little anxious themselves. This in turn leads to them acting a bit weird which only makes my anxiety worse and so on and so forth. It’s not fun for anyone. Well, mostly just me. The dogs still race around like lunatics.

There are a few different kinds of human dummies who go to the dog park. They all seem to follow the same patterns. Without further ado, here is a breakdown of the dog park dummies I have encountered.

The Leash People

Why are you bringing your dog to an off-leash dog park if you’re going to keep them on a leash? That’s what literally every other park and public area is for! I get that you want to feel like you have control over your dog but this is not the place to do it. This is the equivalent of a vegan going to McDonald’s. Is there anything for you to eat there? Maybe, but man there has to be a better option.

And look, maybe there is a legit reason that makes sense to the owner. But consider your dog. They see all these other dogs, running around like idiots and they’re stuck on a leash. It can’t be fun for them. And it almost always leads to some kind of drama, either because the leashed dog feels trapped or because the other dogs want to play with them and they can’t. Don’t bring your dog to an off-leash park if you’re not gonna let it off. It’s crazy.

The “My Dog Can’t Play” People

These are some of the worst people in the park. These are the people who bring their dogs and for various reasons do not like it when their dogs play with other dogs. It’s as if they feel entitled to have a place where they can walk with their dogs off-leash and yet not have to interact with other pups. Sorry, that’s not how it works here. That’s what your yard is for. The whole purpose of a park like this is to let dogs socialize with each other, run around like lunatics, and learn about how the world of dogness works. Not to hug your leg as you take a stroll.

As I mentioned, there are various reasons why a person might act like this. Sometimes, it has to do with the size of the dogs. You’ll see this a lot with people who have tiny dogs. A lot of parks have different sections for small dogs and normal-sized dogs. Yes, I said normal. Sue me. And I can kind of understand that. My Rebbie is usually pretty gentle with smaller dogs but not all the time. Maybe this is the only park a person can get to. So I don’t totally blame these people. It doesn’t make 100% sense but I understand it.

But other times, it has nothing to do with the size of the dog. My two morons, Rebel and Laszlo, are both around 60 lbs each, give or take a tapeworm outbreak. And they play ROUGH. Especially Rebel. Part-Pit, part-chow, part-GSD, she is ready to rumble. Not in a mean or vicious way. She’s a very vocal player who knows how to throw her rotund body around. She loves some good physical play. She would have made a great linebacker or hockey goon. But not everyone understands what dog play can look like. Sometimes, and this is true of my pups when they’re at home, it can look like they’re killing each other.

It’s loud, with lots of grumbling and mouth play. Do I wish that Rebel would be a little bit gentler? Of course, I do. Poor Laszlo is such a sweet coward that I feel bad for him sometimes. Luckily he has his big sissy to help toughen him up and watch his back at the park. Yesterday, when a Husky-mix started giving Laszlo the business, Rebbie was there in an instant to have his back. But when two beautiful Dobermans started in with Rebel, Laszlo suddenly needed a drink of water (from a bowl he knew was empty).

In any event, it’s important for all dog owners to understand that there’s a big difference between aggressive violence and rough play. And also, know that your dog can handle it. They’re wolves! They can take a licking and keep on ticking. And if you own a dog like Rebel, who can sometimes get a bit carried away, it’s important to pay attention and step in when things get out of hand. We haven’t had to do that yet but the day may come.

The “My Kids Are Learning About Dogs” People

Ughhhh. I take it back. These are the worst people in a dog park. These are the people who bring little children to a place they have no business being. A dog park is for DOGS. Not children. That’s why we have playgrounds. If your kid is going to run around and make noise — expect that a dog might take an interest in them. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen near-incidents happen involving kids under 8.

A caveat to all of this: if you’re one of those parents (good ones, IMO) who let your kids experience the world and then don’t blame the world for when things happen, this isn’t about you. This is about the parents who expect their kids to be 100% safe in an unsafe situation. Acres of land intended for dogs to run wild is not the place to introduce your kids to dog interactions. Sure, they’re cute and friendly but not all of them have seen children before and might not know how to act. A dog jumping on a kid to say hi can be terrifying for the kid.

Leave your kids at home unless you’re OK with shit happening. Because it might.

The Complainers

We ran (literally) into one of these people the other day. These are the people who have issues with everything that happens at the dog park. Let me tell you about our most recent encounter. There’s a couple of big hills in the park we go to and the dogs usually make it up before we do. As I was cresting over the top of the hill, I heard a woman exclaim and saw her fall to the ground. Rebel and another dog (her dog) were playing and ran into her, knocking her over. This happens all the time. At least a few times a year a couple of dogs are going to be so into playing that they just hit you and take you out. They run into trees too, so it’s nothing personal. You have to keep your head on a swivel at the dog park. Everyone knows this.

Well, this Boomer was upset. First, she tried to blame Rebel exclusively, when it was clear that her dog was probably the one who did the most damage. But OK, let’s just blame both of them. I’m fine with that. Now she starts going on about how it’s a miracle she wasn’t hurt seriously. Which, I agree. I am glad this weathered old hag didn’t break one of her brittle bird bones. But then she starts in about her jeans being dirty. And listen, shit happens at the dog park! It’s not a controlled environment. Don’t wear nice clothes to a place where dogs are running through the woods and over muddy dirt trails. It’s common sense.

Now she has a problem with her dog playing with Rebel. A twofer! Again, Rebel plays a little rough and is vocal but it’s not like she was killing her dog, who had a good 15 lbs on Rebel and seemed to be loving every second of their play. Except for when the Boomer kept calling her away from Rebel. Then the dog looked bummed. We scrammed away from the lady because we didn’t want to hear any more of her complaining. But lo and behold, in the next section of the park there she is bitching to a stranger about her tragic fall. Luckily, the dude was cool and was like “yeah crazy how things happen at a dog park. We’ve all been knocked down.” The lady didn’t seem to get what she was looking for from him so she left. I went over and thanked him for being a sensible person about it.

People like this ruin dog parks for everyone: the dogs and the people who bring them. It’s called a dog park because dogs are supposed to be prioritized. Not your kids, your control issues, or your absolute safety. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. As Axel Rose once said: YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY!

I may have left out a few, so please share your dog park experiences in the comments!