Back At It

I started a new job this week. I’m the building substitute for a high school in the suburbs just outside of the Twin Cities. It’s been an eye-opening couple of days, let me tell you. School is so different than I remember. Smartphones have really changed so much. Oh, and also having the internet is a big thing too. We didn’t have always-on internet at my high school. I don’t even think we had dial-up. Technology has really made the classroom a completely different animal, both in positive and negative ways.

But that’s not what this post is about. Maybe I will get into how different things are now compared to when I was in school in the future. No, instead, this post is about — what else — me.

For the past 4 years or so, I’ve enjoyed a lifestyle that was entirely dependent on me and what I wanted to do. I controlled my schedule, the work I took on, and when I did whatever it was I needed to do. It was a fun and challenging couple of years. The thing about being your own boss is that you don’t have anyone to pass the buck to. If I didn’t make a lot of money one month, well, that’s because I didn’t do enough to bring it in. If something didn’t get done then I only had myself to blame.

The flipside to that is that I didn’t have to work whenever I didn’t feel like it. Lunch with friends? Midday errands to run? Sleep in until 9? All those things were available to me. Not anymore. Now, I have to be at school by 8 am. I have to teach wherever they put me. I can’t say “eh, I’ll do it later tonight” because they do not teach high school at night.

Having a flexible schedule allowed me to go back to school and get my Master’s degree. It allowed for all sorts of awakenings within me. When I started Barnsley Labs Creative all those years ago, I was burnt out AF. I had been through a number of jobs that wore me out, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. My brain felt broken. It, along with my spirit, needed time to heal.

I also wanted to start a new adventure. I had wanted to be a writer since I was a kid. What kind of writer? I had no idea. Books, maybe? Movies? TV shows? In college, I took a journalism class, and that for sure was not what I wanted to do. Too much thankless work. It wasn’t until I started on this freelancing journey that I discovered how many different KINDS of writers there were. There are technical writers, tasked with creating more logical, step-based writing, like a new manual for a TV. There’s copywriting, which can cover anything from websites text to product marketing. There’s marketing writing, which is self-explanatory. There’s creative writing, which can encompass novels, short stories, poetry, etc.

I had no idea which field I wanted to work in so I started with freelancing. It would give me the widest breadth of opportunities. It was mostly good. I had a few bad clients who stiffed me on payment. But overall, I enjoyed the people I worked with. And some I will continue to work with.

But recently, it’s been feeling like I needed a change. I want to teach if I can’t write for a living, so what better place to start than the bottom: substitute teaching in high school. It’s kind of a thankless job. Contrary to what Peggy Hill might believe there is no substitute teacher of the year award.

That’s fine! I’m not looking to win any awards. All I am looking for is the chance to connect with a few students, earn a paycheck, and learn.

I tell you what though: when my alarm went off on Monday morning and I couldn’t just ignore it and go back to sleep, I was BUMMED. It wasn’t any better today (Tuesday). I woke up with a crushing sense of defeat and anxiety. It felt like I was falling. I was saved by the gentle licks of my baby Rebel.

I appreciate the opportunity I’ve been given. I am grateful to have co-workers who care about what they do and friends who are supportive of this change. I am also excited to start learning some new skills. Teenagers are a weird bunch of people and I have a lot to learn about managing them and getting the most from them. Being back on a regular schedule is also nice. Somewhat. I do miss the ability to say “screw it” and stay up until 2 am doing whatever I wanted. But, in reality, that’s probably not the healthiest choice to make.

I don’t know what will come of all this. I may end up running out of the school screaming someday, vowing never to return. And if I did, I would do what I always do: pick myself up and start over again. In that sense, I am a lot like the Michael Scott Paper Company. Failure has been a great teacher. The most important thing it has taught me is that you’re only down for as long as you stay down.

I wouldn’t say that my time as a freelancer was a failure, however. Sure, it could have been more successful. But it wasn’t something I really enjoyed doing. Instead, I’ve been able to use the last 4 years to figure out what it is I really want to do. I want to write novels. I want to write posts like this one. I want to teach people how to write and love writing as much as I do. I’d prefer to do that last one with college-age students. As I said, teenagers are weird little sociopaths.

This is all a long way of saying that my output will probably be a bit reduced over the next few months. There will be some weeks where I might not post at all. Others where it’s the same 3-4 posts you’ve used to. I don’t know what the future will hold. That’s both exciting and terrifying.

All I can say is that I’m looking forward.