Living With A Loaded Gun

That’s Rebel. She’s our dog. And my god she’s a handful. Not in the way that puppies are handfuls. More like how living with a psychotic person would be a handful. 99% of the time she is the sweetest, most loving girl. She loves to cuddle. She loves to take naps. She especially loves to cuddle WHILE she takes a nap. But that 1% of time left over is what I want to talk about.

I am quite sure that Rebel was abused by her previous owners. When she first came home with us, she would cower whenever we said “no” with any kind of forcefulness. I think she was probably used to hearing “no!” and being hit. Our first dog, the deceased Lola, was also from an abusive home and there are some stark similarities between the two. They are/were both quick to bark, constantly paranoid, and on guard 24/7. There is a fear within Rebel that I am not sure how to exorcise from her.

We’ve spent thousands of dollars on training. And Rebel bit our trainer. We’ve done online classes. We bring her to daycare to get socialized. We’re extremely careful with her, using gentle tones, clear directives, and never doing anything that could be interpreted as aggressive or violent to her. We’ve read books. Learned about the multitude of breeds that she’s made of. And there’s been some progress, but not enough.

Once the sun sets, Rebel turns into a different animal. She’s quick to bark at noises. She chases the cats a bit more. She grumbles a lot. I say “grumble” because the noise she makes isn’t quite a growl. It’s deep and throaty but it isn’t aggressive. It’s more like the sound an old man would make while waiting in line at the deli and the workers are taking too long with his order. It’s a noise of displeasure but not necessarily anger. She’ll make it when she’s trying to get up on the recliner while I’m sitting there and because she’s a 65 lb pitbull mix she doesn’t exactly fit. She’ll make it while she licks your face.

As the night shuffles on and she settles into slumber, it seems to make her even more defensive. We’ve begun to notice a pattern. The first incident happened about a month ago. It was midnight (or thereabout) and I was heading to bed. After turning off all the lights, I went to each animal (as I do every night) to give them a kiss. It was dark so it’s hard to know exactly what happened but as I leaned in to kiss Rebel she decided to kiss me back. With her teeth.

I was bloodied and my lips a little busted open. Nothing major but enough that a bathroom towel got stained. I was so angry with her. After I stopped bleeding I went out to the living room and let her know in no uncertain terms that biting was not OK. Even a little defensive nip. Hopefully, within a year, we’ll have a baby in the house. And any behavior like that towards a child would be an immediate death sentence. I let Rebel know that we loved her very much but that we’d put her down if she acted aggressively. She seemed quite sorry. Her ears were tucked against her head and she seemed quite pathetic.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Again, it’s nighttime. Lexi usually heads to bed before I do. And as part of her routine, she says goodnight to all the pets too. When she got to Rebel, the mutt gave a little grumble so Lexi didn’t try to force anything. If Rebel doesn’t want attention at night, that’s fine. A few hours later I was getting ready to head to bed and when it came time to say goodnight to MurderBlood (that’s what we call Rebel when she’s like this) I sat down on an ottoman about two feet from her. I knew she had been weird at night so I was being very careful. I talked to her, let her know it was me. I used very gentle tones. She gave a little wag of her tail and didn’t grumble so I thought I was good to pet her. NOPE. As I reached toward her she snapped at me, putting three tooth-sized holes in my arm and a gash about an inch long. It bled a lot. And over the next few days, it bruised up nicely.

I wasn’t really mad this time. I was confused. I was hurt, physically and emotionally. Had I done something wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t even bother with her at night? But most of the time she’s happy to get a snuggle before bed. It’s just that on these seemingly random nights she becomes a different beast. Once I cleaned up the blood I went back to the living room and sat down on a chair. Rebel came over to me, sadder and more pathetic than I’ve ever seen her. She looked like she might cry. It was clear she knew she did something she shouldn’t have and there was a look in her eyes that screamed “I can’t help it”.

The next morning Lexi and I talked about what we should do. As we went over the incidents we noticed a common factor: alcohol. LOL not with her but with us. On the nights she seemed to be most defensive I’d been drinking. And the night she got my arm and grumbled at Lexi, she’d had some wine. Lexi rarely drinks so that would explain why it had happened to me more than her. We started to wonder if there was a connection. Perhaps in her previous home, the owner would get drunk and abuse her at night. That would explain why she got on edge in the evening. That would explain why she got really defensive whenever she could smell booze on us. There aren’t really any stats on it but I don’t think it’s rare for people to abuse animals while intoxicated. I think it happens quite a bit.

Obviously, there is no way to know for sure. But now that we have a theory, we can test it. And so far, the whole alcohol thing does seem to make a difference. On nights when I’ve had drinks, she’s a lot warier of me. You can see the fear in her eyes. And yet when I’m stone sober she’s much less likely to be fearful. Knowing this means we can begin to alter our behavior towards her. Like no more goodnight kisses on weekends.

I’m not afraid of Rebel. She’s my sweet girl who loves to cuddle. Maybe a little too much. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a choice LOL. She’s always so happy to see me. And unlike Laszlo, she prefers me to her mother. She’s my little monster and I love her. But living with her, with her mood swings, with her inability to not respond to fear without aggression, makes it a difficult proposition. How can you love an animal that can also draw your blood?

I know a lot of people wouldn’t tolerate this. They would have put her down the first time she bit someone. A less ethical person might even try to rehome her without mentioning the biting. I’m not doing that. Our home is her last home. That’s the promise we made to her. But if she harms another person or a child, sayonara Rebel. Off to the rainbow bridge for you.

We aren’t giving up on her. I know it can take a long time for dogs to heal from previous trauma. Lola still had echoes and behavior from before we got her until the day she died. Rebel might be the same. But I think that in time she will begin to understand that she is safe and loved and doesn’t have to worry about protecting herself anymore. I believe that with time, patience, and behavior modifications on both our parts we can begin to heal her heart.

Rebel is unlike any dog I’ve ever owned. She does not care about currying favor with us. She is her own person, with her own motivations and thoughts. She is a dog that demands consent. Most dogs are happy to do whatever Master tells them. Not Rebel. She listens to us but on her own terms. And if she doesn’t want to be touched, she lets you know. I’ve learned so much from her already. I think we’ve learned a lot from each other.

And I hope that we keep growing, learning, and healing together. For both our sakes.