The Absolute Worst Christmas Songs

I generally love all Christmas songs. But there are a few that if I never heard them again, it would be too soon. You might have some of your own so feel free to share in the comments. These are mine.

It feels a bit like beating a dead horse with this one since most people would say it’s also their most hated. But man this song really sucks. The instrumentation is annoying. The production sound is bad and screams late-1970s. The video is reaaaaally bad and is pretty much everything I hate about post-Beatles McCartney. The lyrics are also dumb and pretty meaningless. Like, did he write this song in ten minutes? By god, this is a turd of a song. And yet, every damn year, I am forced to hear it 100 times.

Look, I get what they’re TRYING to do here. Really, I do. But my god it is insufferable. Taking a classic song like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and trying to modernize it because some people think it’s “problematic” is a bad idea. The song was fine the way it was! I’ve written about this before so I won’t get into it. This song is the definition of cringe, or what we used to call “douche chills” which is when someone does something so embarrassing, you actually feel their shame. The lame attempts at making this song “funny” come off even worse. It’s everything that conservatives think the progressive movement is about but really is a sign of everything that’s wrong with it.

Maybe it’s just my own bias against the production sound of this era but I hate this song. Well, not the song but this version of it. Anne Murray has an awesome cover of this song. But the Eurythmics completely ruin it. The bad drum sounds. The kind of off-kilter singing pattern. What is with people who hear a classic song and go “sure, it’s been a staple for 40 years but what if we sang it all different and added a bunch of synth crap to it?” Because that’s what’s happened here. Just total garbage.

I haven’t heard this one on the radio yet this year so I am quite relieved. But I know it is coming. Holy cow what a load of plastic sentimental Christian trite this song is. Who the hell sends a CHILD to go shoe shopping alone? Where is the father? And why are they telling this kid that his mom is about to die? Everything about this song reeks of that faux-Christian sentiment that the absolute worst Christians try to peddle this time of year. Ugh. This song makes me puke.

A gender-swapped version of “Santa Baby” where instead of asking for vapid things a woman might want, he asks for vapid things a man might want? No. Just no.

Spike Jones is generally bad but he really tops himself with this one. The fake whistle-lisp is about as annoying as the high-pitched “child” voice he tries to pull off. There’s also that weird, unsettling middle part that features the melody from “Jingle Bells”. I’m not sure what life was like for folks in 1948 but it must have been bleak for this song to become a Christmas staple.

This is a very serious message, so all of you, please listen: THIS SONG BLOWS. It’s so bad. It might be the worst song ever made. From the bad drum machine to the synth noise to the echo-heavy reverb on everything it is a tour-de-force of every element I hate in music. This came out in an era of music when every Christmas, groups would put out a “message” song asking their fans to think about poverty or famine or just generically “the children”. This one takes the cake as the worst of all of them though. And I STILL HEAR IT every year! Please. Stop. For the love of all that is holy, stop.

OK for this next one, I have to say I actually love it. I love this song. It’s funny, it’s lame. It reminds me of my dad. It’s super weird and dark. But I know most people hate it with a fiery passion so I will include it on my list because I can objectively say it’s a bad song. Even though I love it.

For most of this list, I have tried to stick with songs I still hear on the radio every year. But I would be remiss if I didn’t include one of the strangest, most inappropriate songs I’ve come across. It’s by John Denver and comes from his album Rocky Mountain Christmas.

Yikes. Hey, you know what might make a good Christmas song? How about a song from the perspective of a seven-year-old boy who witnesses his father’s destructive alcoholism? Seem like a good idea? Hey, where are you going?

Holy cow. What a list. Did I miss any? Let me know!