Why Do I Live Here?

Yesterday, people in the Twin Cities woke up to a temperature of 7 degrees. Fahrenheit. In December. And as my body began to freeze while letting the dogs out I started to wonder why in God’s name do I live here? It gets so cold in the winter. If you don’t live here I don’t think you can really appreciate how cold it can be. Spit freezes before it hits the ground! It gets so cold that you have buy a special kind of wiper fluid and ice melt in order for it to be effective. And even then, it’s not great.

Our pipes also froze. Nothing major, nothing burst or anything. One minute you have hot water and the next — it’s gone. We have to leave our kitchen cabinets open overnight to prevent it, something we forgot we had to do in our new house. A quick walk from the car to the store can feel like crossing the into Third Circle of Hell. And yet… here I reside, happy to spend my days living on the Planet Hoth.

Why do I choose this?

Because, honestly, the winters are the only bad thing about Minnesota. And once you get used to them (you’ll never get used to them) it doesn’t feel as bad. There IS stuff to do in winter in Minnesota. There’s drinking. And having fires surrounded by snow. And eating in restaurants (which we can kind of do again). There are Christmas markets, winter markets, and the like. There are a million places to ice skate. You can go fishing if you’ve got a hut or know someone who does. You can Nordic ski if you hate yourself enough to do that. Plus, you can drink!

The secret about Minnesota is that it’s a trade-off. There are really only two BAD months, January and February. December can be brutal at times with snow and things called ARCTIC BLASTS which sound as unpleasant as they are. But hey, it’s CHRISTMASTIME so who cares. Give me a white Christmas any year. But man, halfway through February you’ll forget what life can be like without 8 layers and a space heater going 24/7.

March can be hit or miss. There are days when you feel human again. The sun is shining. The snow is finally melting. But then you can get walloped by two feet of snow and the process starts all over again. April can see days of 50 degrees, which feels like summer. But right up until the middle of May there’s always a chance for snow. If you can survive to May you’re in a good place: summer in Minnesota.

Now, the video above mostly features Minneapolis. Or as I like to refer to it Shittyapolis. For my money, St. Paul is the superior city out of the two. Minneapolis is more expensive, it’s lousy with hipsters and other people who couldn’t afford to migrate to Portland. The traffic is always bad and there’s never enough parking. And sure, it has most of the major sports teams, the Vikings, the Twins, the Wolves, and the Lynx. But honestly, three of those teams suck balls so who cares? St. Paul has got soccer and hockey. And those teams are actually good! But I digress. This isn’t about why St. Paul is better than Minneapolis. This is about what’s great about living here, no matter what side of the river you’re on.

First of all, it’s cheap! You can get a decent house for under $300k and depending on how snooty you are about the neighbors you can live comfortably in a house for a lot less. We’ve bought and sold three houses and never spent more than $200k. Try finding that in any other major city. You can’t.

Second, there’s so much nature to experience without having to drive for days or hours. You can see a Great Lake within a two-hour drive from the Cities. There are dozens of state parks to camp in. There are lakes to swim in and boat on. There are hundreds of miles of smooth, paved bike trails. If you like the outdoors, you can’t do much better for city-living than here.

Third, there is a lot more culture here than you might expect. Most people have this notion that Minnesota is full of white, Scandinavian people. And OK, it is. But if you live in the Cities there are flourishing Asian, Somali, and other ethnic minority communities. You could probably eat at a different restaurant every night and never run out of places to experience. There are really cool and historic music venues, like First Avenue and the Fitzgerald Theater. There are tons of farmer’s markets, Asian markets, and little pop-up places. The food truck scene is pretty great too. And there seems to be a brewery or distillery every few blocks.

Last, the summers are awesome. Everyone emerges from their winter cocoons with a new appreciation for sunshine and being able to be outdoors. People go crazy in those first really warm days. Businesses close. People leave work early. There’s an overwhelming sense of “my god, the sun, we made it.” Summer nights seem to last forever as the sun doesn’t set until well past 8 pm and the dusk can sometimes give another hour or two of light. Perfect for cookouts and other gatherings.

The people here can be a mixed bag, like everywhere else. Native-born white Minnesotans tend to stick together while all the transplants end up together. Having grown up around Boston, I understand how provincial a place can be. Minnesotans don’t have a distrust of outsiders, they just seem to be done making new friends at age 15. But that’s only if you stick to the paler side of the Cities. Venture into other ethnic groups and you’ll find people who are open to newcomers. Either way, there’s definitely a bit of a culture shock for people who come from the coasts. At least most Minnesotans are friendly and nice, even if it’s fake as plastic grass.

The best thing I can say about Minnesota winters is that it has this weird trickle-down effect where everyone kind of comes together to get through it. We are all miserable from the cold. We all seem to accept that the beer will flow a bit more. The winter is a great equalizer. Whether you’re driving a broken-down shitbox or the latest and greatest in SUV technology, we all have to drive on the same crappy roads. And when it’s finally over, there’s an explosion of people outside, together, enjoying the weather. It really brings everyone together.

Ah yes, the accent. Coming from a place with its own very distinguishable accent, I can appreciate the uff-dah-ness to theirs. Sure, they sound like lost Canadians who might have been kicked in the head by a mule but that’s just part of the charm. You get used to it. And, god forbid, you actually pick a little of it up. I have certainly caught myself speaking ‘Sotan before.

The one thing I haven’t found here is decent pizza. I don’t know if it’s the water. Or that Germans and Norwegians can’t make a good red sauce. Or that they cut their pizzas into squares which is wrong and dumb and terrible. Am I going to have to import some greaseball Italians to this place? It can’t be that hard to make some good, cheap pizza. Can I get a Greek in here? I’d settle for Greeks.

There are lots of things I miss about the east coast. The ocean. Fresh seafood. The general “fuck you” attitude that everyone seems to have. My family, of course. But on balance, there aren’t many places I’d rather live than Minnesota. The people are decent. The summers are long and beautiful. And there is so much to experience. It ain’t exactly heaven on earth, but it’s darn close.

Yah, you betcha it is.