Tons of Guns for Everyones!
Did you hear about the mass shooting the other day? Sorry, you’re right. This is America. I should specify which mass shooting. Not the one in Atlanta where all those Asian women were killed. Which was definitely not racially motivated— the killer said so himself. And if you can’t take the word of a mass murderer in America, who can you trust? He just happened to drive across two counties to terrorize three Asian massage places and murder the Asians inside. He did it because he wanted to bang them. That’s love, not hate. No, I’m talking about the one in Colorado — oops, again I need to specify. The one in Boulder at the supermarket.
In Boulder, a law-abiding gun owner decided (we don’t know why yet) to put on his big-boy pretend-time military cosplay outfit and begin to mow people down. He started in the parking lot and went from there. 10 people are dead, including one of those famous “good guys with a gun”. Two mass shootings in a week? AMERICA IS BACK BABY! THE PANDEMIC IS OFFICIALLY OVER! All we need is for school shootings to start up again and we can stop wearing masks. That’s how it works, right?
In light of America’s resurgence as the most rootin’ tootin’, gun-loving violent spectacle on Earth has given me a few ideas as to how we can begin to deal with this. Don’t worry, it’s not more gun control. Duh. If laws prevented crimes from happening we’d have to consider them. But all they do is deny people FREEDOM and that’s what’s most important. No, my friends, I have the solution and frankly, it’s been there all along. We need to make guns ubiquitous! Here are my modest proposals:
Gun Vending Machines
Now before you get all worked up about “won’t kids be able to buy them” I have a solution for that. No, it’s not an ID scanner or anything like that. Lord knows we don’t want the government knowing who’s buying guns and how many. That would be tyranny. Instead, we’ll just make them really expensive. I don’t know many five-year-olds who can afford an AR-15. Plus, the gun makers will LOVE the extra profits. We can put them pretty much everywhere: on college campuses, in malls, heck we could just put them on the sidewalks like those newspaper boxes. They’ll accept traditional forms of money (credit cards, cash) but they’ll also accept multiple forms of cryptocurrency since we don’t want the gubmint tracking the money either. Win-win!
A Gun for Every Pocket
You heard of the famous 1928 ad in which Republicans promised: “a chicken in every pot”. Well, this is like that but with guns. Any American without a criminal record (no background checks though, again, tyranny, honor system only) who wants a gun can have a gun. In fact, I propose that we offer various types of guns to our citizens. If your lady isn’t into something big and powerful like a high-powered rifle, how about something sleek and concealable. Maybe a pink Ruger LCP II Victoria? Sexy and ladylike. Now she can protect herself without sacrificing any of her femininity.
Another component of this measure will be to have nationwide conceal-carry laws. No more of these specialized training lessons and permit requirements. Nowhere in the Second Amendment does it mention licensing. Our Founding Fathers would have wanted us to have the ability to carry lethal weapons with extended magazines and silencers so we can hunt deer and fowl. That’s America. Heck, I might be willing to consider a law that requires every American to arm themselves at all times. No gun? You get a ticket. What do you hate America or something? What are you up to that you don’t want a gun?
MyPillow Gun
It’s late at night. You and your wife are sleeping when suddenly you hear something. Is it a burglar? A serial killer? The police serving a no-knock warrant? Who’s got the time to think when your life could be in danger. From the makers of MyPillow and falsified election-fraud claims comes MyPillow Gun. Its patent-pending inner fill will cradle your head as you drift off to dreamland while the .357 Magnum hidden inside gives you that little extra bit of security you need to sleep peacefully. Conveniently placed trigger holes are located at each corner, taking all the guesswork out of a late-night shooting. Simply grip the pillow, aim it at the shadowy figure, and let it rip. Sure, it might be your kid but we’ve got a solution to that too.
Bulletproof Clothing
Our best minds are already working on this one. Imagine you want to go out to dinner but you’re worried the restaurant won’t have a gun vending machine. Your wife only wants to bring a clutch and she doesn’t like how a leg holster feels. What’s a fella to do to make sure she’s protected? If you bought her a dress that was bulletproof, you wouldn’t have to worry. With a little investment from our government, think of where the technology could be in a decade? Evening gowns. Tuxedos. Flannel shirts for a more relaxed look. Jeans. We won’t stop until we’ve got children’s pajamas that are bulletproof. That takes care of those accidental shootings. Speaking of the children…
Kountry Kids Kindergarten
If there’s one thing that school shootings have taught us it’s that children need to be able to defend themselves. This is where the country mouse can help the city mouse. Country kids grow up with guns so they know how to use them safely. Urban kids are brainwashed by their liberal parents to think guns are dangerous or bad. And sure, every day 87 kids are killed or injured by a gun in America. And yeah, having a gun in the house means it’s 43 times more likely that it’ll be used to kill a friend or family member and not a burglar, but that’s just numbers. They can mean anything. The same nerds pushing those stats also have something called imaginary numbers. Crazy town.
But you know what’s not crazy? Teaching kids how to use weapons to protect themselves at a young age. Studies have shown that children as young as three have the strength to pull a trigger. Seems like a natural age to start with! This will solve two problems: first, the lack of universal childcare for working mothers with kids under 6. Now, they can drop their kids off in a safe place and go back to work without worry. Second, we’ll begin to have a nation of kids who, by the time they’re adults, will be like Rambo. Do you think China has its kids fingerpainting and learning shapes all day? No way.
Posse Up
You know what I miss? A good posse. You know the kind I mean. Where all the good guys decide to throw in together, even though they may have some differences between them that initially cause some tension but in the end, they’re on the same side so it all works out? Think Magnificent Seven. We need to bring those back. I mean, we’ve got a congressman bragging about how effective they were in the name of justice.
To be clear, this guy isn’t really a Texan. He moved there for grad school. And there’s also no evidence that this is a saying at all. It’s most likely a lyric from a Toby Keith song (who’s from Oklahoma). And sure, in the past, the purpose of a lot of posses was to be a little too lynch-y. But we can fix that easily enough. You can have a posse but no racial stuff, OK? Pinkie swear? Good. There. That solves that.
Rescind Prejudicial Gun Laws
Nothing drives me crazier than when I hear about people with mental illness being denied their right to own a gun. What other rights shall we take from crazy people? They talk a lot of nonsense so maybe they shouldn’t be allowed free speech either. Perhaps we should allow them cruel or unusual punishment? They’re nuts after all. They can’t feel pain like we do. They also don’t need privacy so there’s no need for search warrants. It’s ludicrous and a violation of the Constitution. A violent maniac has just as much right to buy a gun as anyone else. This is the cost of freedom.
Also, enough with these so-called “red flag” laws where people can alert law enforcement that someone they know might be a danger to themselves or others. Excuse me, have you ever heard of due process? Oh so I get into a fight with my old lady and suddenly my arsenal of guns are taken away by government stormtroopers all because she’s on the rag? I said “I’d like to kill her,” not that I was “going” to kill her. I’m a law-abiding gun owner, after all. That’s a status that never changes.
In Conclusion
My solutions may seem a bit radical but that’s only because you’ve been brainwashed by the liberal media to think that guns kill people. They don’t. People with guns kill people. It’s an important distinction. We never hear about what kind of person is being killed by the people. Maybe they’re a mass shooter? Or a thief? Or any number of criminal masterminds.
If stopping gun violence was as simple as getting rid of guns then there would be evidence of that. We’d be able to look at other countries across the world and see how the number of guns owned by citizens impacts the number of mass shootings. It might even look something like this:
Maybe you think that having fewer guns means less gun violence. This might be true but consider that such statistics don’t take into account who is being killed. Of course states with more guns will have more gun violence. States with more hot dog vendors will have more people eating hot dogs. Now you want to cancel hot dogs? Please. That’s the natural course of freedom. Patriots don’t hesitate or wait for the police. They take matters into their own hands. Look at this map and see all the REAL AMERICA states doing what they do best:
Sadly, we simply have to take it upon ourselves to ensure our own safety. That’s why I’m proud to live in a country where we take it so seriously, we literally have more guns than people! See:
Take that Yemen!
Lastly, do you know who also wanted to get rid of guns? Hitler. Do you want to be like Hitler? I didn’t think so. Instead, by using the power of thoughts and prayers (along with the innovative solutions listed above), we can overcome the shocking nature of mass shootings by ensuring they happen so regularly we become completely numb to them.
Now that’s America!
