There’s been something happening in my life over the past few months that has really opened my eyes to something I did not appreciate before. For years, I’ve heard from women (both in my personal life and through media) who say they hate it when men comment on their bodies. Celebrities, in particular female celebrities, have been the target of a lot of this conversation. One recent moment I recall is when Camila Cabello stepped out for a run a few months ago and the press reacted as if she were the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man.

Of course that’s not really her. Want to see the photos everyone was freaking out about? Here ya go:

I think that part of the overreaction to seeing a pop star look like a normal person is that we’re so accustomed to filters and photoshop making them look “flawless” that when we do see them without that tech, it’s jarring. But it’s the airbrushing that is the bizarre and foreign thing here. The idea that there is such a thing as a “perfect” body or “flawless” appearance is super toxic. So how did Camila respond?

Right on.

Before this whole “controversy” I must admit that I didn’t give Camila Cabello much thought. She was in a girl group, right? Sings in Spanish sometimes? Does that “Havana” song? That was pretty much all I knew. But then my social media was plastered with one of two things: CAMILA CABELLO GOT FAT or CAMILA CABELLO IS THICC (and subsequently a hero to women and girls alike). I find both viewpoints to be disturbing. The former, for obvious reasons. Saying someone is fat when they probably weigh less than the average American female is a weird take. Really what they are saying is “Camila Cabello No Longer Starving Herself”. And listen, I don’t know if she had an eating disorder or whatever. I’m not here to diagnose anything. But I do know what she looked like a few years ago and there were significantly fewer curves. There ain’t a whole lot of ways to be rail thin when your body wants to be curvy.

The weirder and more damaging viewpoint expressed is the whole THICC thing and that she’s somehow a hero because she’s famous and goes to the beach in a bikini that shows off her cellulite and fat (her words). A person isn’t brave for merely being alive. And if you dig a little deeper beneath that notion you find a whole well of damaging thought processes. Namely:

WHY ARE WE COMMENTING ON PEOPLE’S BODIES AT ALL????

Obviously, I am kind of doing the same thing in this post. It has become so normalized to pick apart celebrities for their weight and shape that existing without filters and photoshop is seen as a revolutionary act. The question that is asked in secret is “why would she expose herself to ridicule by going out in public like that?” as if it’s hers (or anyone’s) fault they don’t meet some hypothetical standard of beauty. We act as if this is just how it is. But it hasn’t always been like this!

MARILYN MONROE IS THICC!! Nah, she’s just a lady in a swimsuit.

For most of my life, I’ve seen this strange cycle play out where people feel they have a right to comment on other people’s bodies, then there’s a reaction the other way that takes issue — not with the commenting in general but usually what the comments say. She’s fat! No, she’s THICC! And then this weirdo third group pops up that says “glorifying fat people is bad” and everyone just boos them out of the room. It goes around and around and I want to scream “why are we talking about this at all????” That isn’t to say I’m the first person who’s bringing this up. Obviously, many people have written about body shaming. But it wasn’t until recently where I felt it in my own life.

I go about 6’4” and 280lbs. I could stand to lose about 80 of those L-Bs and maybe someday I will. My doctor would prefer I do. I’ve been big for most of my life. Sometimes tall and lanky, sometimes a little more rotund. And people seem to think calling me a “big guy” is a compliment or totally fine to say. But you never know what a person is going through.

Even saying something you think is a compliment can have devastating consequences. If a person is struggling with an eating disorder, do you think telling them how great they look and how thin they are does anything but reinforce the harmful behaviors they’re engaging in? And this goes double for men who haven’t yet figured out that whistling at a girl or telling her how hot ‘n sexy she is ain’t good. Men defend this behavior by saying stuff like “I’d love it if women called me hot” but it’s easy for them to say that because women generally don’t do it. If they faced catcalls from people every day of their lives and got hit on by creepy old women they might feel different. Just because you think calling me a “big guy” is a compliment doesn’t make it so.

Calling me big isn’t nice!

Now, if I could bench 400lbs and tear through my t-shirt like Hulk Hogan then maybe it would be. But I ain’t the Hulkster. I’m fat. And when you say I’m big, I know you’re really saying I’m fat.

As a cis man, I’ve never really had to face the same level of criticism about my body as a woman. And because I’m a man, any criticism sent my way was expected to be absorbed without feeling. “Men don’t care about what people think about their bodies. That’s chick talk”. Well, I’m here to tell you we do care!

Ever since I lost my tooth a few months ago, people have been very interested in what I am planning to do about it. Here’s my response: NOTHING. I am not going to do anything about it. It doesn’t bother me. In fact, I kind of like the look of it. It gives me a degree of uniqueness, like Cindy Crawford’s birthmark. My dog tripped me and I lost my tooth. I’ve accepted that. And no, I don’t want to have surgery or walk around with some damn retainer thing in my mouth all day so I can appease someone else’s idea of what I should look like. The only time I think about it is when other people bring it up. And when someone asks me about what I going to do to fix it, there’s an implication that I am broken or wrong the way I am. Sometimes I want to ask them back “I dunno, what are you going to do about your chubby baby-knees?”

I know I’m “big”. Trust me, I feel it every time I try to buy clothes or sit in a theater seat or do pretty much anything. There isn’t much that’s made to fit people like me. I hate flying, not because I’m afraid of it but because it’s uncomfortable to wedge my body into a seat designed for only 70% of me. I don’t need anyone reminding me of that.

One last story before I wrap this up. When I was a teenager, I was pretty tall compared to my classmates. My weight also fluctuated a lot. Sometimes I would be a CHONK who needed “husky” sized clothes (the boy’s equivalent of plus size). Other times I would abuse diet pills (back when you could get the good stuff like fen-phen) and starve myself. I’ve never really had a healthy self-image.

I also played a lot of sports. I was a good pitcher in baseball and usually the best one on my Little League teams. But as I got older (and bigger) people started to have different expectations of me. The final year I played baseball, my coach insisted on turning me into a first baseman. Not because I was particularly good at that but because I was bigger than 95% of the kids in the league. My bigness translated into POWER HITTER for my coaches and so, even though I was a much better pitcher, I was expected to turn into a 13-year-old Babe Ruth. Did this happen? OF COURSE NOT! I hated batting. I was terrified of the ball. And I could never quite get over it. Did this convince my coaches to just let me pitch and get what little they could from me when I was at bat? NOPE. Instead, they kept pushing the power hitter thing until I eventually quit the next season. I was made to feel like a failure because I never lived up to THEIR COMPLETELY BASELESS EXPECTATIONS. Fun times!

This is all to say that there’s never a need to comment on someone else’s body. It’s not their job to live up to whatever expectation you have for them. Whether it’s a pop star being rail-thin or a big kid being good at hitting or having a full set of teeth — keep it to yourself. Take people for where they are, not where you think they should be. I’ve gotten just a taste of what it might be like to have a woman’s body over the past few months and I can’t imagine the pressure and damage done by everyone feeling entitled to speak on it.

Big people know we’re big. Thin people know they’re thin. We all know what we look like. Commenting on it, even if you mean it as a compliment, is unnecessary. And it could potentially hurt someone else. So keep it to yourself.

If you don’t I’m going to sit on you.

Just A Taste