Gratitude, Rad-itude

I know this space is usually full of doom and gloom. And rightfully so. Things seem to be falling apart on multiple fronts. But today my heart is feeling very full and so I thought I would write about that instead.

A new teacher started at the school today. He’s the long-term sub for the class I’ve been covering the past couple of weeks. He’s green as green can be. He just finished student teaching a few weeks ago and this is his first job in a school. It has been delightful watching him figure it out as the day went by. By no means am I a veteran teacher. I’m not even a full teacher. I’m a sub. So my opinion might be different from someone with more experience. His wife also works here (something else I can relate to) and the pride she expressed when she told him that he had a mailbox in the office with his name on it nearly made me cry.

Seeing him learn and grow on the fly brings me back to being 22 and starting as a paraprofessional in the first school I worked for. The nervousness, the anticipation, the wanting to do a good job, all things I remember feeling. And with the distance I now have from that time in my life, I can look back and appreciate the journey my life has taken since. All the things I went through in my 20s and early 30s that I thought might break me, kill me, or ruin me, have actually been the things that shaped me and made me stronger.

I used to be afraid a lot. Scared of the world. Lots of anxiety every time I left the house. Paranoid. I don’t really feel that anymore. I greet the world with a neutral heart. I expect nothing from it. Good shit might happen, bad shit might happen, I can’t really control that. Don’t want to neither. What I can control is how I react to it. I can let everything piss me off — the slow driver, the idiot clerk, etc. Or I can laugh and smile and say “my god, is life absurd or what?” I think that’s been the biggest change I’ve felt, that life is absurd and isn’t supposed to make sense or have order. It’s nice when it does but it don’t owe me that.

There’s a calm presence in my life that I haven’t had for a while. It’s not a person or spirit. Nothing mystical like that. It’s just the passing of time. The more you see in life, the more people you meet and know, I think it helps discover patience.

I really like what I do. I get all the good parts of teaching without much of the bad. I don’t have to tangle with parents or co-workers. I just show up, execute the plan in front of me, and leave. I can have fun with the kids, learn from them, get to know them but never have to engage in conflict with them. This is probably my favorite job I’ve ever had. And I am so grateful to the people who helped me get here.

I don’t have much else to say. We’re all in a big ocean of life together. Anytime you feel like you’re drowning, know that you aren’t. You’re just learning to swim.