The Trump Cards
Y’all… you KNEW I would have to write about this.
In case you didn’t know, the former President of these United States announced today that he is selling NFT “trading cards” of himself. And my god one is more insane and delusional than the next. You might be wondering, “huh, well he WAS president. Maybe they’re commemorating some of his accomplishments in office?” You’d think that would be one way to go but alas. Our former prez has decided to go in another direction. Have a look for yourself.
Incredible. I’m speechless. That is just one of HUNDREDS of randomly generated Trump cards you can own. Guess how much they cost. Guess. Seriously, guess.
Did you think of a number?
Is it reasonable?
Were you thinking “oh a digital card… I’d guess maybe $5?”
Do you remember who we’re talking about here? It’s Trump. His whole life is a grift. But my god this might be the griftiest grift he’s ever grifted.
They cost…
NINETY-NINE AMERICAN DOLLARS!
EACH!
I’m dead.
Look at that image again. First of all, nobody with hands as small as Trump's could ever hold a football with one hand. Second, I would bet my life that he can’t throw a football. I mean, he could push it through the air in a direction but there wouldn’t be a spiral. And if you happened to think “wow that’s some really bad photoshopping” my dude, you haven’t seen anything yet.
I’m a big tough hunter-man! OK, so this image is insane for a number of reasons. Based on the gun and the shells he’s carrying it would seem that he’s bird hunting. Which explains why he’s in a field and there are birds flying behind him. But why he’s posing instead of shooting at the birds is beyond me. Maybe he’s never played Duck Hunt. Also, it looks like he’s wearing military-style kevlar body armor? Is that because the birds might shoot back or … ? The cowboy hat is a nice touch. More of that to come!
Howdy pardner! It’s Sheriff Trump! You can tell he’s ready to rustle up some cowpoke from the patent leather dress shoes they forgot to photoshop out of the picture. This raises an important question: has Trump ever ridden a horse? Part of me thinks he definitely has because he was a rich kid growing up and that’s a super rich kid thing to do. But he’s also the right age and mindset to think riding a horse is gay or something. Plus he’s a HUGE coward and I think he would be afraid of horses. WHAT IF IT BITES HIM? I don’t think he has.
Space Force Trump! I like that he also needed to steal the aviator glasses thing from Joe Biden. Please note that nothing pictured here is from an American spacesuit. They actually look Russian, which wouldn’t be surprising. Gotta use that steel girder belt to keep his enormous stomach in check. The smug look on his face is a nice touch. It’s like he’s saying “yeah, I’m in space. That’s a thing I do. What? You’ve never been to space? Pussy.” (We know he likes to say that word).
One of the recurring themes in these preview cards seems to be the seamless blending of real photographs and poorly drawn cartoons. In some, it looks like Trump is the cartoon. In others, it’s his real face plastered onto cartoons. Here, we have a little bit of both. It reminds me of when George Costanza tried to airbrush his boss back into a photo he stole.
Perfection! Moving on.
Sticking with the space theme, here’s Top Gun Trump! “But Matt,” you might be thinking, “Top Gun didn’t take place in space!” And you’d be right! Why is TGT standing on top of the planet? Why is the moon either crashing into it (and roughly the same size) or ricocheting off it? Why did he need a spacesuit in the last image to survive in the Americana Black Hole but is fine breathing Space Air here? All good questions. I just feel bad for whoever’s body his head is plastered onto.
Have you noticed that all the cards so far are things Trump has NEVER done and NEVER will do? And that they’re all HYPER masculine? Not compensating for anything there! Nope! Absolutely has a normal penis, nothing weird or shockingly small to see there!
Hollywood Bigshot Trump! Wait, I thought we hated Hollywood and all those coastal elites? Why would he want to portrayed as one? Oh wait, is this some kind of alternate future like in Back to the Future Part 2 when Biff gets the almanac and ends up owning the whole town and makes it super corrupt? OK yeah that makes more sense.
Past as prologue. Onward and upward!
Whoever they paid to photoshop these things really didn’t get enough. It looks like they cut his head out of paper and scotch-taped it there! Just incredible stuff. Why couldn’t they find ANY photos of him in a tuxedo? I feel like that one should be pretty easy. Good job taking like 100 lbs. off his frame too.
OK, these last two are my favorites. This one because it is everything. You’ve got the baggy, ill-fitting suit. The homoerotic muscular chest. The ‘T’ on his chest (like Superman, get it?) The laser/plasma eyes. And of course, his winning smile. I got news for yall. If Trump ever got superpowers he’d become a villain 100 times out of 100. I wonder if this is how he really sees himself. Like, does he think he’s really strong and hyper-manly and super powerful? He knows he can’t walk down a ramp, right?
Forget defeating Magneto. He’s can’t beat a 17 degree incline.
Finally, onto the best one.
This is one of many images where Trump has been photoshopped onto the body of a boxer. Usually, it’s Rocky Balboa. But because of licensing and whatnot, we have to settle for this. It’s just a normal picture (again photoshopped to take some weight off, another common thread in all of these) but with electric boxing gloves added in. Of course, Trump would cheat in a boxing match, not that he’s ever been in a physical fight in his life. And why is his name on the corner pads? Is he both fighting and sponsoring the fight? That seems odd.
The FAQ section of the website where you can buy these things is about 40 questions long and features gems like “can I buy these with cryptocurrency?” They may have also stepped into it by offering prizes for people who buy them. See, many states have laws that govern what constitutes a lottery. And this could qualify as that. LOL of course.
What’s really sad about all of this is that people will buy these. It’s pretty clear at this point that NFTs aren’t a good investment. There are rare exceptions when there are limited or exclusive NFTs. But there are going to be 45,000 cards made with some of them having 10 other copies. There is nothing limited or exclusive about this. Oh, and you also have to create a crypto-wallet and pay a fee to a different company to process the transaction. If your grandpa calls you in the next few days asking how to make an NTF wallet on the internet you’ll know why.
I wish I could see all the cards available. What other scenarios are there? Trump as a Rambo-like figure mowing people down with a machine gun? Trump as a literal king? Trump as Jesus Christ? Maybe one where Trump is Santa Claus. Nah, Trump would never want to be someone who is famously overweight and goes around giving things away for free. That’s not manly enough for him.