Old Man Rant: Can We Stop Making Movies So Dark?

This weekend I got to watch the new Batman movie, The Batman. And boy do I have some thoughts on this one. It isn’t a bad movie, per se, but it isn’t a good one either. The plot is disjointed, the canon is played with too much, and the whole damn thing is too dark. Not the tone, but the literal visual aesthetic. Have a look at this opening scene:

Can you tell what the hell is going on here? I mean, I know the general idea but what is the use in making things so dark that people can’t see what’s happening? Look at this:

It’s just a black screen!

And listen, I’m not stupid. I know the director (or whoever is in charge of this stuff) is trying to make the audience feel the same as the characters in the scene. It’s dark and there’s a shadowy figure lurking about. It’s Batman and I get that he (as Bane said) adopted the darkness as his ally. But come on. The characters in the scene are scared. I’m not scared. I’m angry and frustrated trying to figure out what the hell is going on!

In the scene right after the opening, Batman and Detective Gordon are investigating the murder. And does anyone think to turn a light on? NOPE. (I tried to take a screenshot of this but HBO Max blocked the image somehow.) Imagine you’re a policeman checking out a murder scene. Wouldn’t turning on the lights be helpful in, you know, finding clues? Nah, best to keep it super dark. Why not investigate by candlelight? So romantic!

The entire movie is like this. Thank god the sun outside my house finally set about halfway through the movie so I could actually see some of what was going on. You shouldn’t have to watch movies in the blackness of an underground tunnel to enjoy them. We know it’s a movie! It’s OK to have more light in a scene than would be realistic, which again, doesn’t excuse the shoddy light during a police investigation.

Another issue with the movie: the plot is all over the place. It feels like there are three movies taking place at the same time and they are all fighting with each other for screentime. NOTE: There are probably going to be some spoilers from here on out so just stop reading if you care about that sort of thing. The first storyline features the Riddler, played by Paul Dano. But this isn’t the Riddler you’re used to. No. In this movie, he looks like a mashup of the Michelin Man and Imprisoned Doomsday.

I’m actually fine with this. The Riddler always kind of had a silly appearance so I don’t care that they made him a bit more menacing and simple. I sure as hell don’t miss the Jim Carrey version who looked more like a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race than a scary supervillain.

The new Riddler is made about LIES. That’s pretty much his whole motivation. Too many lies. Lots of lies. And by golly, he’s gonna do something about it. Instead of just writing about it or telling people, his plan is to kill a bunch of important (but corrupt) people and leave a trail of clues/riddles for Batman to follow. Pretty typical Riddler stuff. Except… the riddles aren’t even hard. Batman solves them in like 3 seconds. He also mixes in a bunch of complex coding that (of course) Batman and Alfred solve without much effort.

There has been a lot of nonsense online about Paul Dano’s performance. Some people are even saying it was better than Heath Ledger’s Joker. This is insane. Dano is FINE. But that’s about it. He’s waaayyy too over the top in a few scenes and you never really get a sense of who this Riddler is. Is he crazy? Is he a chaos figure? Or is he just an incel gone bad (more on this later). Heath Ledger is the best comic book movie villain ever. It’s not even close. Sometimes people write stuff just to get attention.

There’s also a whole other plot involving Catwoman, who doesn’t do a whole lot Catwoman-ing. But wait y’all she’s BISEXUAL so that’s something. Her girlfriend is killed by a mob boss (also Catwoman’s father!) so there’s a revenge angle with her. There’s sexual tension between her and Batman but it honestly feels SUPER forced. I mean, the character’s whole motivation in the movie is getting revenge for her dead GF so when she makes the moves on Batman it’s…. weird and unearned.

The whole thing culminates in The Riddler giving himself up and being committed to Arkham Asylum (more on this later). It feels like the movie is about to end. But HAHAHAHA this bad boy is 3 hours long! There’s still like an hour to go! And this whole plot is super unnecessary and stupid. You see, the Riddler has parked a bunch of vans with bombs in them next to Gotham’s seawall. They explode and flood the city. This forces people to seek higher ground and the Gotham version of Madison Square Garden becomes a refuge. It is also the place where the newly elected mayor is having her victory celebration. Seems reasonable, no?

Except! The Riddler has been working with an online group of misguided white boys. These incels show up and somehow are able to not only sneak into what should have been the most secure event in the city but also manage to bring in sniper rifles and bombs. We’re not talking about like 3 dudes. There are a dozen of them or more. They perch themselves up on a catwalk above the arena and start shooting people below. It’s insane and not in a good way. More in a “why am I still watching this” way.

Batman, naturally, saves the day with an assist from Catwoman and Jim Gordon. At the climax of the film, Batman notices that a bunch of electrical wires are about to fall into the flooded arena (which is still full of people). To save them, he leaps onto the main wire and cuts it loose, severing the electrical connection. But here’s the thing: he cuts the wire ABOVE HIM! Because of this, he tumbles down into the water below. Had he simply cut the wire BELOW him he would have been fine. It’s crazy. But don’t worry, Bats is fine after a three-story drop and goes about rescuing people.

Back in Arkham Asylum, the Riddler meets — DUN DUN DUN — JOKER. Because what would a Batman movie be without the Joker making an appearance. It’s not a very good Joker either. Just more unnecessary nonsense. The whole thing felt stupid and I wish I hadn’t spent 3 hours on a Saturday watching it.

One more thing: did you know that Martha Wayne (Batman’s mom) was named Martha Arkham before she got married? That’s right kiddos! We’ve got canon to mess with. See, the Waynes and Arkhams were the founders of Gotham. And Martha was a nutball who was in and out of mental hospitals her whole life (????). I guess that explains where Bruce gets his nuttiness from. This is a ridiculous thing to add to canon and completely changes the entire history of Arkham Asylum, Gotham, and the Wayne family. It’s dumb and has literally nothing to do with the overall plot. Why they added it in, I have no idea. But stop. Just stop.

In summation, The Batman is a fine movie. It would be better if it were an hour shorter and actually used lights to shoot scenes. The acting is pretty good and Robert Pattinson, if given more to do, could end up being a great Batman. Zoe Kravitz is so hot the corners of my TV screen melted a little. Overall, this movie is pretty forgettable and doesn’t do much as far as telling a “new” Batman story. It’s like all the others I’ve ever seen or read and not nearly as good.

My grade: B- for the movie, F- for the lighting. STOP MAKING MOVIES SO DARK!