Let's Fix Student Loans
Did you hear the news?
Ooooooo Big Daddy Biden give me more of that!! I need a minute…
As a person who holds a good deal of loan debt, I agree with this, of course. In fact, I think we should not only cancel all federally held student debt but to ensure we don’t end up in this mess once again, we need to change how we pay for higher education. Let’s get into some solutions to fix this.
No Interest
Why is the damn government charging me interest to go to a government-funded school? Since when is it the government’s job to make money on an investment? That’s what the private sector is for. The government should be there to invest in stuff that DOESN’T make money. Like college education! Or technical training. You know, the stuff that makes the economy go.
How much money do you think is owed in student debt right now? A billion dollars? Ten billion? HAHAHAHAHA YOU WISH! Try something a little closer to TWO TRILLION DOLLARS! That’s more than the GDP of Canada, Russia, South Korea, Spain, Australia, Mexico, and just about every other country! If our student loan debt were a country’s GDP it would be in the top ten. This is absurd. Instead of going to college, we could have just bought Canada??? ***Yes, I know this isn’t how GDP works. It’s a joke. Lighten up, Francis.***
A huge chunk of the nearly TWO TRILLION dollars is interest. Why? Because many, many people who graduate from college can barely afford to make their minimum payments on those loans. Hence, the loan keeps accumulating interest, hence the bill never really goes down. It’s a black hole of money, one that’s prime to trap, well, Black folks.
That’s not good. That’s predatory. It traps people in a cycle of debt that they can never get out of. For my entire childhood, I had the notion of college drilled into me. GO TO COLLEGE GO TO COLLEGE GO TO COLLEGE. The implication was that if I didn’t, I would be a LOSER. So what did I do? I went to college. I am fortunate enough to have parents who foot the bill for it. My undergrad anyway. I paid for my Master’s on my own. Or am still paying it. WILL be paying for the next, oh I dunno, whenever I die. And then my kid can pay it. And then his kids can pay for all of ours. And then who knows.
Borrowing Limits
The next thing I would do is establish a borrowing limit. Kind of like an out-of-pocket max you have on your health insurance. It’s super simple! We already ask all sorts of questions about income and the parents and all that. Cap borrowing at like 10% of that. The rest? The gubmint foots the bill. Yeah, that’s right! If we can spend billions of dollars on farmers to grow corn to make us fat and coal companies to pollute our air and water then we can afford to send some kids to college. The rich kids will pay or borrow a bit more, the poor kids will get in for a lot less. It ain’t social-ism, it’s social justice. Deal with it.
Does it really make sense to anyone that we have teenagers go into tens of thousands of dollars in debt? Does anyone really think this is a good idea or good for the economy? Is it good to make it so no one under 35 can buy a house or have a child? For all the handwringing about falling fertility and birth rates in this country, I don’t see many solutions that involve reducing debt. Testicle tanning? PLENTY OF THOSE:
Goodness. Rich people will do anything but actually help anyone.
Learn for Free
Room and board should cost money. I don’t mind that. I think it’s OK to have adults be responsible for feeding themselves and finding a place to live. If they can’t work while in school, then get one of our awesome new zero-interest, income-based-capped loans. It’ll be worth it! And the best part? Free tuition to any school that received federal funding, even if it’s private. If you want that sweet, sweet federal grant money then you gotta do more for the citizens who pay for it. Kick in some free tuition. I promise your endowment will be fine. Instead of Haaahvaahd having $53 billion dollars, they’ll have… $53 billion. You’ll be fine! I promise!
This will also give kids who live near a school but can’t afford or don’t want to take out loans the chance to commute and pay nothing more than gas money and library fees. Imagine that. A kid who has limited opportunity suddenly gets one. Think of the change that could make.
Three Strikes
Not everyone is ready for college. And that’s OK! Some of the smartest people I’ve ever met flunked out of college in the first year or two. Either they weren’t mature enough to handle the responsibility, or they go super into drugs, whatever the reason, they failed out. And now they’re stuck with all this debt for nothing. Less than nothing, really, if they came away with a habit. Some people might have the feeling of “oh well, they blew it. Too bad for them.” Nonsense! People change! Lord knows if I were the same person I was when I started college I’d be dead or in jail or at least on a list somewhere. This is America! We love a comeback story.
I propose we give people three strikes. You get to take advantage of the program described above three times. After that, you’re on your own. Better make it count! The debt doesn’t go away, mind you. They’ll still owe for their good times. But it’ll be considered when figuring out how much debt they are allowed to borrow. Maybe we even put in a waiting period of like six months or a year. Let people grow and learn. Forgiveness is the essence of America. We should embrace it!
Never Too Old
This one is pretty simple. You’re never too old to learn. This program isn’t just for teenagers. Your mom could do it. Or your grandfather. Anyone. How many people do you know who have changed careers in their 20s. And then again in their mid-30s. Why are we expecting people to decide what they will do for the rest of their lives when we don’t even trust them to DRINK BOOZE responsibly? That’s insane. Let nana go to college. She needs something to do!
Also, I would expand the loan program to pay for all aspects of college. If you’re a single mom who wants to get a degree or finish one but can’t afford childcare. Have a zero-interest loan! Why do we make it so hard for people to climb the ladder? (Oh right, greedy assholes). It should be simple for people to live and expand their education, not harder.
Unlimited Learning
Maybe when you were 18 you thought you’d be a movie director. So you went to a school that has a good program. Then at 25, you realized cinema is dead and you’d rather be a biologist. Awesome! We need more of those! Good news for you Madam Scientist, you can go back to school without ruining your finances! I think we should give people unlimited bites at the education apple. Go ahead, have some more loans. Did I mention they are interest-free and capped based on income?
What’s the worse thing that happens? We end up with a shitload of educated people who are knowledgable about many different fields? Oh no, the horror! Please. That would be awesome. I would also include graduate-level studies in this program as well. Want to be a doctor? Want to be a doctor TWICE? Sounds good to me Come on down!
In Conclusion
This could work. I mean it would pay for itself ten times over. Do I have a study to back that up? Not remotely! But you know what I do know? What we’re doing now ain’t working. Not by a long shot. Right now, we have kids taking out TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS in loans with little to no hope of repaying them. They can’t afford to buy homes or have children. They’re unhappy. They feel trapped. All so the government can make a buck of their interest?
We have known the value of government supported education in America since 1635, when it wasn’t even America yet. 15 years after the Pilgrims got here they were like “oh damn maybe we should educate people” so they made a public school. There are few things as more American than supporting low-cost public education. It’s time we actually do it.
There. Fixed it for ya.