Bad Driving Top 5 (or is it Bottom Five?)

For most of my adult life, I’ve split my driving time between two places: the east coast and the Midwest. Let me tell you, there is a big difference between the two. Out east, everyone is in a hurry to get nowhere. Merging is something of a battle for ultimate supremacy. And stop signs are more like suggestions. In the Midwest, however, people will polite you to death. Ever pull up to a four-way stop with 3 other cars in Minnesota? Then you know you’re gonna be sitting there for a while. Merging is the opposite of the east coast. Instead of it being an aggressive fight to see who goes first, in the Midwest, it’s more a passive-aggressive, “no, I won’t look at you while I block you from my lane” thing. There’s no yelling. Just a cold stare forward. There are some common threads between the two places.

I am not an advocate of the death penalty. It violates the Constitution. It’s more expensive to kill someone than to lock them up. And I think the risk of executing an innocent person (something we know for a fact has happened) is far too great. But there are some behaviors that happen on highways that make me a believer in it. Things that happen so frequently and are obviously wrong that every jury in America would convict.

Stinky Cars

This morning on the way to work I was stuck behind a school bus that seemed to have a coal engine. The smell coming off this thing was so noxious I didn’t feel right for an hour. The tailpipe was aimed directly at my car. I couldn’t tell which was worse — having the windows down or up. I got dizzy. And this is far from the first time I’ve been behind a vehicle that makes me think “hmmm, this is what Zyklon-B must have smelled like”.

Do these people not know their cars and trucks stink? Do they not care? Y’all know we only have the one planet, right? Why are you spewing poison gas into the air? I mean, I know my car ain’t perfect but dear god. What’s wrong with your engine that it smells like this? Did COVID rob you of your sense of smell? Fix that.

Or we’ll fix you!

Dickhead Mergers

I know I talked about merging already but it is really the one thing that contributes to traffic jams more than anything. It’s utterly preventable too. People who refuse to merge properly are responsible for creating so many problems on the highway. It’s one of the things that AI-driven cars would solve overnight (along with drunk driving, speeding, inattentive driving — you know all the ways people die in cars). Computers would have no ego (unless Elon Musk decides to add an “asshole mode” to Teslas, which I wouldn’t completely rule out). AI isn’t going to get into some pissing match with someone who is “skipping the line” by zooming up the closed lane and staying in it until the last second. Here’s the thing about that jerk: they’re the ones doing the right thing!

The asshole in the situation is the person who refuses to slow down for half a second and leave space for someone who is merging. You aren’t teaching them anything but how ignorant and petty you are. Just let them in! You don’t own the roads! I’m also going to include in this section “lane jumpers”. These are the people who move from one lane to another and then back again, all in hopes of gaining a few more seconds. Guess what buddy? IT DOESN’T WORK AND JUST CAUSES MORE TRAFFIC.

Off to the electric chair!

The Ass-Riders

These people are far more common out east. In fact, I think most east coast drivers are INSTRUCTED to drive like this. After moving to Minnesota, I noticed that I was usually the ass-rider in any given situation. I’ve since adapted my driving style. But whenever I go back to Massachusetts, I spend half my time in the car complaining about someone being on my ass. It’s dangerous, rude, and doesn’t accomplish much of anything.

Don’t do it or it’s the guillotine for you!

Unsecured Loaders

These people… OH MAN THESE PEOPLE. We’ve all seen them. Heck, my neighbor is one. These are the people who a trailer loaded up with crap and it’s totally unsecured. It could be a mix of twisted metal, used bikes, lawnmowers, and filing cabinets. Whatever it is, it’s just bouncing down the highway, threatening to fall out and ruin your car at any second. Maybe some of it is even dragging along the road, throwing sparks as it goes. It could also be a trucker with a full load of stone or dirt and the tarp that’s supposed to be keeping it inside the trailer is just flapping away. Every second you hear a little ping or ding as debris smashes into your car. Listen, I am not trying to be Han Solo and the gang navigating an asteroid field.

Secure that load or perish.

Slow Pokes

On highways, you can usually pass these people. But in cities or in the nightmare scenario where there are two of them side by side, you might get stuck behind a slowpoke. I’m not talking about people driving the speed limit or slightly under it. There are real penalties for DWB and so I never begrudge someone for being too careful. Best not give the police a reason to stop you. No, I am talking about the people who have no business being on the freeway at all. They’re going 40 in a 65. It’s really dangerous. Cars that are traveling at the speed of traffic have to swerve around them (if they even notice them at all). The worst is when they’re obviously clogging up the left-hand lane, slowing everything down for the rest of us. Move over, buddy! If you want to drive 35 MPH then stick to backroads!

Hurry up and drive! I’m trying to get to Wing Stop!

BONUS: Aggro Drivers

You’ve seen these clowns before. Maybe some of you HAVE BEEN this kind of driver. I know I’ve been in the car with one of my friends when they suddenly transformed from a reasonable person into a raging monster. They come in many different forms. They could be brake checkers, people who speed up and then suddenly slam on the brakes for no reason. They could be aggressive lane changers, moving sideways as fast as they move forward. They could be breakdown lane drivers, recklessly speeding past other cars to save a little time. They could be the people who actually GET OUT of their cars on busy roads, so blinded by rage, that they create incredibly dangerous situations. Maybe they even have a gun. These drivers are some of the worst we’ve got and if it were up to me, we’d round them all up and toss them into the ocean. Au revoir, connard!

DOUBLE BONUS: Lookie Loos

Oh hey, is that an accident up ahead? Better slow down and gawk at it. You never know when you might get a chance to see a dead stranger again! These people are terrible. Instead of reducing their speed and driving past an accident, they slow way down and look. They see flashing lights and because they have the mental acuity of a moth, they are drawn to it. It calls them, “look here, something happened”. Meanwhile, they’ve caused another three accidents behind them. If you see someone pulled over or a car on fire or whatever, just go by it carefully. There’s no need to make entertainment out of someone’s worst day ever. You won’t like it when we televise your walk in front of a firing squad.