Derek Chauvin: What Were You Thinking?

Derek, what were you thinking?

Were you feeling strong at that moment? Righteous? Were all your insecurities swimming out of your body? Was every injustice you’ve ever felt as a white man finally equaled out?

Did he get what was coming to him? Was he smart-mouth, uppity “brother”? Did he not respect your authority enough? You showed him, didn’t you?

Derek, what were you thinking?

As the crowd of people around begged you to let up, did you think they were lying? Did you think it was too dangerous? Or did you think of them the same as the man whose neck you were kneeling on? That they were inferior to you, that your will and judgment was supreme, that it was your job to keep them in line.

I wonder if you considered him, your victim, George Floyd, at all. Did you think of his parents? His sister? That he might have a wife or husband, children, and a life? Or did you assume, the way so many other white men assume, that he was just another black body to fear and be disposed of.

Were you empowered by your fellow officers? Three other boys in blue helped you murder Mr. Floyd. One kept watch and actively interfered with anyone trying to help. The other two were spared the embarrassment of being on the video, but as they held down Mr. Floyd’s body, and could surely feel his life leaving it, did their inaction convince you that you were doing the right thing?

Were you truly afraid for your life? That this unarmed, handcuffed, subdued man could still somehow hurt you? Does a black body and a black face make you that insecure and jealous? Or is it just a psychological tell that even with the upper hand you had (plus three other officers) you still felt inadequate?

Derek, what were you thinking?

I look into your face and I don’t see fear. I don’t see someone who is doing their job. I see a murderer, proud of his kill and the power he thinks he possesses. I see a coward (four of them, in fact) who are betraying the citizens who they swore to protect (including Mr. Floyd). I see what so many others have seen in the face of those who wear a badge: supremacy.

Walking around with a shiny star on your chest and a gun doesn’t make you tough, or brave, or exceptional. It’s supposed to make you a public servant. SERVANT. But these days, it seems to embolden the worst of our society. Policing is out of control. The police are out of control. And when people rise up to protest it, they are showered with rubber bullets, tear gas, and physical violence.

Derek, what were you thinking?

As the ambulance pulled away and you knew he was dead, did you feel guilty? Did you feel relief? Were you worried about your job? Did you dread the paperwork you’d be facing? Did you think you’d be fired within a day? Or did you all pat each other on the back, chalk it up to his resistance, and grab some coffee?

I don’t know what the resolution of this will be. You have all lost your jobs. That is not enough. There will be charges brought to bear against all of you. And I hope that 12 wise people send you to the same place Officer Noor went when his cowardice, fear, and need for supremacy led him to murder as well.

Derek, what were you thinking?

And maybe that’s the answer. You weren’t.