February

Hello February,

What’s the deal man? Why only 28 days? That’s crazy. It’s not like we don’t have the days to go around. “All the rest have 31.” I think your buddy January could lend you a day. OK. That gets you up to 29, which feels even weirder somehow. So let’s take a day from your other neighbor, March. Now you have 30. We’ll keep the leap year thing in place because I guess it’s needed. But February, you don’t get to have it anymore. We trusted you with it and you recklessly ran around a calendar with only 28 days. We need to give it to a more respectable month, like September. Or November.

Listen, this isn’t personal. We just need to make some changes. Balance things out a bit. You can keep Valentine’s Day. It seems fitting that the two of you would have each other. And all the other holidays are staying put too. The people who were born on March 31st will now be born on April 1, and the January 31st people will be born on January 30th.

I’d also like to do something about your weather but that is perhaps out of your control.

I don’t know what’s gotten into you February, or why you’ve taken this turn towards having a radical number of days. But it needs to stop. October is talking mad shit. You don’t even want to know what June said. We think this plan is for the best.

Come by the home office tomorrow and we’ll get it sorted out.