Farts: A Metaphor for Life

Obviously, there are more serious things to be writing about these days. And normally I would have written about them. But let’s be real, we could use a little escape from the horrors of everyday life. So, I figured I would share with you why I love farts so much. If you’ve ever spent time with me, you might have noticed that I compulsively make fart noises. Sometimes, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. Farts are funny. They were when I was five. They will be until I die. They delight me. The following piece is an edited version of a rambling talk I gave while on a walk the other day, which my companion at the time described as “the biggest waste of time, oxygen, and brainpower”. Enjoy.

Farts As A Metaphor (Life Cycle)

I am a member of a secret society. The details of this society are immaterial to what we’re discussing today. All you need to know is that we in The Society hold the fart to be sacred. For us, it represents the life cycle. But also so much more. Farts are universal. All humans fart. From the hottest model to the ugliest wretch, their farts are the same. Dogs fart. Cats fart. I’m sure most animals that digest food fart. Farting is as basic to life as breeding, breathing, and eating. And yet we shun it. We shame each other for farting. We find it rude, disgusting, and grotesque. Why do we feel ashamed of what connects us to all living things?

Pre-Life

The first stage of the fart cycle is what we in The Society call “pre-life”. This is the point at which a fart is just beginning its life. It’s that feeling you get down in your bowels that says “ hey, a fart is approaching”. Sometimes it can be a little painful, what most people describe as “gas”. It can be sudden. Other times you can feel it building.

So much can be learned about the fart at this stage. Does it feel hot and spicy? Is it a little moist? Will it be silent or does it have some power behind it? Isn’t it amazing that our bowels can detect so much information from a small build-up of gas? Why is it that I can usually tell if I’ve got a room-clearer before it ever comes out?

In the life cycle, this stage is analogous to pregnancy. There’s a new life growing within the body. Quite a bit is known about it and yet so much mystery still remains. Will it turn out the way you hoped? Will it go disastrously wrong? It’s a birthing you can have multiple times a day. As the moment gets closer and closer, the anticipation builds. Here it comes.

The Moment of Birth

This is when a fart truly becomes a fart — when the sensation of gas crosses the threshold of life that is the sphincter. Is there a sound? Or is it silent but deadly? This is the point that fart purists point to when describing and categorizing flatulence. In this brief moment (sometimes not so brief), the fart gets its name and begins its short life. You might feel a sense of relief mixed with fright, being glad that it’s out of you but not knowing what will come next. For while the lifespan of a fart is mere seconds, its impact can linger for much longer.

The odor isn’t present at this stage unless you happen to be an inch from the butt. For most people, the smell comes later. In one expressive moment, the nature of the fart is known. It can take many different forms. From little squeakers to big rumblers, the fart bursts forth into the world. As it passes into our plain of existence, much can be learned about its qualities. Funny how you can tell how bad it will be before you ever get a whiff of it. Or maybe it will be a surprise.

There are so many different characteristics a fart can take at this stage and much of it depends on the environment in which it is released. A naked butt produces a different sound than a clothed one. A shower fart is different from a seated fart. People who are skilled in the art of farting (F-Arting) can even alter and manipulate their cheeks to produce different tones and reverberations. This is truly when a fart becomes a fart.

The Death of a Fart

All things must pass and so it is true of a fart. No matter how loud or long it is, eventually, the gaseous build-up is completely used up and expelled from the rectum. This is when the fart takes on a different, ghostly, almost spiritual life. Depending on a number of factors (what was eaten, what your personal bacterial ecology is) the smell of a fart begins to spread. In our secret Society, we tend to think of this as a fart’s legacy, the sum total of the good work done in a lifespan.

And just like with life, whatever you put into a fart is what you will get out of it. If you eat fast food and lots of beer your farts will have a different quality than if you eat salads and drink lots of water. Not better or worse. We don’t judge farts for all are sacred and unique.

This is also the point where you can understand the ramifications of the fart. Did a little bit of fecal remnants sneak out with it, commonly called a Hersey Squirt? Will you be able to expel the gas without offending the people around you? Can you pass the blame onto someone else? He who smelt it, dealt it, and that’s good advice. But we in our society tend to think that the beauty of a fart is in the eye of the fart-holder.

Depending on who you are with, the same fart can draw drastically different reactions. If you pass gas while in the throes of passion, it’s quite different than letting one rip while hanging with your friends. Some people find farting to be offensive — full stop. To them, there is nothing funny or amusing about it. Others will delight in the entire cycle. You can feel confident you know a person when you learn what their farting face looks like or if you can detect their particular odors.

This is life. Some people will delight in your essence. Others will think you stink.

The Cycle Completes

As the noxious gas dissipates, which can take anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes, the fart can sometimes transform into different smells. What once had a sulfur/egg-like stench can transform into something more akin to a broccoli fart. Over time, what you have done with your life, your accomplishments and shames, will be judged and understood differently by people. What we once thought of as noble pursuits are now seen as backward-thinking abuses.

There is so much variety in farting. It is a rich canvas on which to paint a unique experience. There are farts that can clear a room and ones that seem not to produce any smell at all. There are farts that shake the floorboards and ones that are nothing more than a whispy exhale from your butthole. No two are ever the same, just like people. And like other people, what you might enjoy and think is great might be awful to most.

I don’t know where you fall on the spectrum of fart appreciation: if you’re ashamed of your gassy stinkers or delight in them and those of others, but I do know one thing. You fart, baby. In a world where we seem to be more divided than ever, perhaps it is through farting that we can find common ground and unity. That’s our dream, anyway.

Vive le fart!