Stay Out of the Water
When are y’all gonna learn?
Don’t tell me how rare it is. Don’t tell me about how it’s more likely you’ll get struck by lightning on the beach than eaten by a shark. Don’t tell me about how many people survive shark attacks. I don’t care about any of it. You know how I make sure the chances of my being eaten by a shark are zero? I STAY OUT OF THE DAMN WATER!
The ocean is not our domain. Sure, we’ve piled lots and lots of trash in it but it isn’t ours. It belongs to sharks and whales and giant squid and all manner of terrifying creature that lives in it. Do you know what’s not on that list? People. We can’t breathe in it. We can barely even swim in it. Even with the most advanced and sophisticated technology we still struggle in it. Seems like a damn fine sign to stay away from it.
I will never understand why people like the beach. It’s hot. There’s too much sand. And just feet away from where you are “sunbathing” (a stupid term as you are really sun-cooking) there’s an entire world of deadly killing machines. If I said to you “hey, do you want a strange invisible burn on your skin, sand up your ass, and a chance of being eaten alive” would you be interested in going? I doubt it! And yet, people fawn over the beach like it’s the Garden of Eden.
Sharks are basically living dinosaurs. They swim, they mate, and they eat. That’s it. That’s all they do. And yet, every single year, any number of fools gets themselves eaten by one of them. Was that dip really worth it? Oh cool, you get to be covered in fish shit AND salty residue? Sign me up! No thanks.
Oceans aren’t even warm! On Cape Cod, the beachiest place near to where I grew up, the hottest it gets in the water is 68 degrees. That’s barely room temperature. Yes, please send me into a meat locker to be attacked by crabs and seaweed. That sounds like fun!
And spare me the talk about tropical resorts. Sure, it might be all-inclusive so you can get wasted AND sunburned all in one go but you know what sitting in my backyard doesn’t include? SHARKS. Never seen one back there in my whole life. Plus, I can relax without having to worry about the slave wages paid to the resort workers or if a local gang is going to take us all hostage. Which happens.
The beach sucks. We aren’t meant to be there or the ocean. We should just leave it alone and let the animals who belong there enjoy it. In the meantime, my plan to stay 100% not-shark food is simple:
STAY OUT OF THE DAMN WATER!