Microchip Me

Guys! Have I got a scoop for you. Apparently, Bill Gates put microchips in the COVID vaccine so he could track us. Can you imagine the nerve of this guy? It’s not enough that he has BILLIONS of dollars and helped changed the world many times over. But now he wants to microchip us like rescue dogs?! Not on my watch!

Oh. So 44% of Republicans think this insane story is true. I wonder what else they’d believe? UFOs? Bigfoot? Trump winning the 2020 election?

To be clear, microchipping human beings is a real thing. Lots of people in the world are microchipped. Many people do it voluntarily. It is seen as a convenient way to identify yourself, be able to buy things, and access secure locations. Lots of stuff. Have a look at this news report on Swedes getting chipped.

Seems kind of cool!

But why would Bill Gates want to microchip us against our will and do it in secret? How would this even work? You’re telling me there’s a chip that can fit through a hypodermic needle and has a battery powerful enough to last for decades and communicate with, I’m assuming, satellites? Sounds like a pretty awesome technology.

What on earth would Bill Gates gain from this? If you carry a smartphone around with you you’re already giving BIG TECH all the data it needs to track you. They know who you hang out with, where you go, where you shop, what car you drive, what you look like, and where your kids go to school. I mean I could go on and on and on. They don’t need to track you secretly, you already give them all the information they need. Probably a lot more!

Will all of this lead to a future where people are getting their hands cut off so robbers can use their IDs and ATM access? Maybe. I’m sure there’s a way for scientists to ensure that the chip is still implanted within an attached body part. But that might be kind of cool if there’s a gang of super-criminals who steal people’s hands. The Hand Thieves. The Knob Nabbers. We’ll come up with something catchy.

I don’t know if I am quite ready to make the jump into being microchipped just yet. I’d like to see some long-term studies on it. I bet it causes cancer. Most things seem to cause cancer and having a microchip emanating radio waves within your body can’t be great. But if it checks out that there’s no cancer — sign me up.

Microchip me, baby!