FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: A Message from the President
My Fellow Americans,
First, let me thank you for all the love and unwavering support you have given me. As you know, I was recently hit by a truck while blindly wandering in traffic. I am feeling much better and my prognosis is good. The doctors here have said that they have never seen anyone recover from an accident as bigly as I have. In some instances, they have actually asked for my assistance with other car accident victims, a testament to my preternatural understanding of medicine. I’ve even suggested some alternative treatments, like using concrete (something I know a lot about) to help set bones. The doctors were bewildered that they hadn’t thought of it first.
Secondly, to the HATERS and LOSERS who are saying “I told you so” or celebrating my tragic and unpreventable accident, just know the AMERICAN PEOPLE see your disgusting, disgraceful, actions. They are not impressed and in spite of all the FAKE NEWS polls showing me winning by only a little, they will vote to reelect me by A LOT. People are saying that there has never been so much support for a president in the history of our great nation.
Third, I want to address the maker of the truck, Toyota. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. If not for your willful ignorance in creating such a powerful vehicle that was not equipped with the appropriate safety measures (UNLIKE AMERICAN TRUCKS WHICH YOU KNOW I LOVE TO SIT IN AND BE A BIG BOY) I would not have been hit. Who could have predicted that walking into traffic several times a day for seven months would have resulted in my getting hit? This tragedy is an attack not just upon me, your GREATEST PRESIDENT, but upon all Americans as well. While the FAKE NEWS will report about every cut and stitch I receive, where is their coverage about Toyota and the other CHINA companies flooding our streets with vehicles capable of such destruction?
The other day when your incredible First Lady, Melania, came to visit me, we turned on MSDNC (as I call it) and CON-CAST and to our surprise, there was almost no coverage about my multiple Nobel Peace prizes, which I haven’t won yet but am a shoo-in to receive. Especially now. All I saw on TV was wall-to-wall talking heads BLAMING ME for my own tragic accident.
This is not the time to point fingers or find blame. I’ve already done that for you and it’s definitely not my fault. IT IS TOYOTA’S and theirs alone. Sure, for months and months people driving by me as I walked onto the interstate blindfolded yelled at me to get out of the road, or, to at least take off the blindfold. But, my dear AMERICANS, I could not be seen to be afraid of traffic. Traffic will only respond to toughness, the kind of toughness I showed when my face was imprinted upon the chrome bumper of that Tacoma. That’s the spirit and strength of AMERICA. And as my body flew through the air like the MIGHTY BALD EAGLE, I realized that for too long we as a nation have been too soft on automobiles from Asia.
Today, as I sit here perfectly healthy in a body cast and traction (due to an overabundance of caution), I cannot help but think about what could have been done to prevent not only my accident but also the seven million people who were hit by cars this year. I must conclude that ANTIFA has something to do with this and my Attorney General Bill Barr is currently investigating what ties ANTIFA has to Toyota.
Isn’t it strange that only me and my MAGA SOLDIERS are getting hit by cars? I have yet to see one radical leftist democrat at the hospital. This leads me to conclude that they are also somehow responsible for this tragic accident that has befallen me. Some will say that the COWARDLY democrats listened to the supposed “experts”, who for months were saying that wandering in traffic at rush hour was a bad idea and that encouraging others to join me in traffic was reckless and irresponsible. To them, I say STOP BEING COWARDS. This is AMERICA. We have a little thing called FREEDOM here and dammit if an American wants to walk into traffic they should have the freedom to do so. This is not about safety. This is about CHOICE, something that only pertains to traffic and definitely not women’s bodies.
One life lost to the PLAGUE that Toyota has sent us is too many and I lie awake at night thinking about all 209,000 (and counting) souls who have been lost to traffic accidents. There was nothing to be done and I take comfort in knowing that if I can survive this accident then anyone can. Most of the people who died were probably weak-willed leftists who lacked the moral courage to get better. All I needed was a medivac flight to the best hospital in the world, access to experimental therapies, and a team of doctors working around the clock to heal my TOTALLY FINE body. In fact, people are saying that my body will be even HEALTHIER AND STRONGER after this and they want to study my blood for signs of a superhuman mutation like Wolverine has. They begged me to let them study it. One doctor, who had never cried in his life, was in tears, begging me to give them just one small sample of blood. I told them it was OK and they thanked me like I’ve never been thanked before, believe me.
I find it DISGRACEFUL that the radical left has been using my own words against me. Playing video clip after video clip of me downplaying the dangers of playing in traffic to my supporters is a divisive, shameful tactic. If you recall, four years ago when my opponent CROOKED HILLARY was almost hit by a car, I made a big deal out of it, running ads that portrayed her as a senile old woman in danger of being clipped by a passing truck at any time. But that was just politics. This is real because it has now happened to me, YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. Things only matter to me when they directly affect me and I now have a new appreciation and tone for the scourge of traffic accidents. Will this change my behavior in any way? Almost certainly not, as evidenced by the team of orderlies who carried me out to my presidential SUV so I could drive by my supporters, all of whom were PROUDLY displaying their AMERICAN FREEDOM by waiting for me in traffic as I drove by.
The RADICAL LEFT will tell you nothing but lies and, in coordination with the FAKE NEWS, they will attack us for facing down this very real and totally unforeseeable PLAGUE. They will have “experts” on to talk about safety and how to avoid being hit by trucks. They will play clips of me admitting months ago that wandering in traffic is actually very unsafe. They will even point out how half of my administration and many other Republicans were hit by vehicles at our “Let Freedom Ring” Traffic Rally last weekend. NONE OF THIS MATTERS. All we should focus on right now is that I deserve nothing but sympathy and encouragement. I have instructed my doctors to give contradictory statements and outright lies to prevent the public from knowing exactly what is going with me. Why? Because we don’t want TOYOTA to know what’s happening. My PERFECT health is a matter of national security. So what if you can’t believe a word out of them now? It’s their careers and reputations they have disgraced. Not mine.
In closing, I want to remind everyone who has been impacted (literally) by vehicle accidents that I am with them. Not in person, of course, I would never actually spend time with them. But in SPIRIT. The First Lady and I send nothing but our sympathy and prayers to them. That’s it. Just words. We will get through this TOGETHER and we will be STRONGER because of it. You can trust me because I have never lied to you before.
God Bless Me and God Bless America!
President Donald J. Trump